Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Just me and my debit card against the world
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert