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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*