Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
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{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.