“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
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If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.