If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
and this one
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.