I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Love is in the air fryer.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
lumberjacks will cut a birch