I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.