I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
You Might Also Like
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
is this meant to deter me
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Camping tip: No.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4