If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
asking santa clause for nudes
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself