My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.