*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Weirdos gonna weird.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.