We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?