I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
no such thing as a dumb question
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda