My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf