I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol