A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.