Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Yup!
Bruh PLEASE
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun