Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You Might Also Like
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.