I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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Always leave them wanting their money back.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.