H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Thoughts
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of