Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
You Might Also Like
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
thank god the sign was there
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG