My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Mornin
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?