Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
gentlemen, hear me out
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?