Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Not today, today.
Not today.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.