If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
incredible book dedication
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-