Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
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How to find Kentucky on a map
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
nobody’s gonna understand
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?