Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again