You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway