Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My wedding will be open casket.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
man: wait
time: no
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.