I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
then why did i get this email
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho