16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I have no passwords left in me
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.