Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”