me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti