My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.