guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*gets down on one knee*
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Aight bet
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.