dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally