time machine? you mean a clock?
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
smartest karate player in the world
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]