Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m confused about plants
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.