yes, those are my real potatoes.
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Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket