I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
This has made my week.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything