1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Feels
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
nice challenge
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong