If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.