When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Snapes on a plane.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
three things we don’t talk about