contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
You Might Also Like
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool