This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it