Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
my favorite genre of twitter
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.