The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am