How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: