You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
😲 WTF? 😆
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married