Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
For those that worship cheese..
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]